I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
