I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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