And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
