the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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