This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
