I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
