Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My vagina just recognized that song.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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