Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
