i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
