I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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