i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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