This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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