We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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