Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
