I wish I could teleport
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
