im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
