im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
