After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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