jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just want nice things and good sex
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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