I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
