My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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