So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
