isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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