im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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