i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
