I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
