I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
