on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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