I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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