Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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