I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
