I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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