Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
