you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize