Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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