Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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