the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
