6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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