how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
