I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
