wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
