I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
