how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
