I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
