i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You smell like stripper and shame
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
