I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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