I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
