In the future we'll all be gay
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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