Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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