Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
