I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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