I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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