I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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