so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
