guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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