Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Randomize
