I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
