You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
