did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
